The BIG REVEAL

This has been a journey to say the least. I thought about a million ways to tell the world this part of my life. I have shared so much with you; my loyal readers; my good days and bad days. I have shared how to trust God in even the most un-circumstantial situations. Well, this has been the biggest fight of my life. I thought getting through rape would be the hardest to do. Then I thought, getting through suicidal thoughts would be harder. I even thought that after months and years of silent depression I would be done. Then this battle comes and this time it isn't one that just happened to me. This is one I participate in. Normally when you hear that theses things have happened to a number of us you say that's not fair but when I share my "BIG REVEAL" this will not be that moment. You will say "Well I mean she knew what could happen?" Yes I did know. Yet I did it anyways thinking like most of you do and you tell nobody.

I wont get caught.

Well here we GO I am caught.

I am expecting a beautiful BABY____!

Here's the part were I say that although my circumstances were planned myself. I surely wasn't planning to jump into motherhood this year. But, never the less here I am. Throughout this walk in pregnancy I have faced some serious mirror time.

Mirror Times- Reflection of yourself with deep thought.

I have faced myself with the realities that may or may not lay before me. I want to leave a message for anyone who's expecting or have already delivered and you haven't made it out of the shame or guilt of this thing. Not being married or committed to during such a emotional time in your life is probably more hard then anything iv'e dealt with. I have struggled with the idea of being a single mom and looking at the strong mama's who do it and feeling inadequate. Then I see the hardworking, degree having married women who seems to have life all figured out in the home they bought with their husbands and just go WOW. Okay, nope I can't do this.

Often I have thought to myself. WILL I EVER? WILL IT EVER BE ME? AND THE BIG ONE I JUST FORFEITED MY BIGGER DREAM OF A FAMILY FOR A MOMENT'S DESIRE!

See this is my true thoughts. I am not going to get to the exciting part of this journey until I first keep this all the way 100! okay!

Those thoughts rock my mind. I could go into a million different things that occurred during the announcement of my first child's arrival but I will save that for another post. What shocked me was how GOD responded to me.

I began to earnestly pray as I have always but this time.. . . My heart was in a place it has never been before. My HEART was wrecked. I said; look I have messed up over and over again I don't see why you continue to choose me for this ministry or this calling. I really think you made a mistake picking me. I keep falling.

And honestly guys I do LOVE God so much, but my actions just don't seem to align all the time and I was weighted with SHAME.

Shame is a pointing at ones life. While Guilt is a pointing at one's actions. I was in both and I was here for months. During the first five months of my pregnancy God was speaking with me everyday.

One Night I had a dream of me walking into a room. The room had a box in it. The box was all white in design. I starred at it for a long time. I was wondering what this box was doing there all by it's self. It had a door and knob with a lock. I remember walking around the box and thinking about my life. I stared having flash back of all that God has done for me. I thought about the good moments and the fun i have had with friends and family. I even thought about some bad moments that made me cry. But this was what made me go inside the box. I thought of the people I have impacted with my story, my blog and my ministry though signings. This is what made me sad. I felt I had abandoned them. I can hear the voices in my head of family members saying " All those dreams you had are gone" And some tried to cover up the doubt they had in my success now by saying "I mean you can do somethings but trust me it's about to be hard". I felt like it was impossible for me to make this work. So I went inside the box and I locked the door from the outside and walked in.

Now, Life inside this box was being thought of. I knew I could have the baby in the box and then release them when the time was right. SO I made plans to stay there. I Didn't invite any friends or family. I sat in the box and cried everyday. On the days I didn't cry I just moved from corner to corner. Remember, the door is locked.

I had this dream every night.

One night an unusual thing happened in the box that hadn't happened in days. I saw a bright light start roaming the room. The light had a voice.But I hid my face from it. I said loudly "I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED". The light didn't say anything back. But I could hear it humming my favorite song "Jesus YOUR the center of my JOY". I tried to block it out and then it sat in another corner and spoke no words.

EVERY NIGHT, the light would sing a new song that I had sung before. Then it finally came to my side of the room. I looked at it feeling blinded. And cried. I said I can;t go back out there. Everybody will laugh and I will end up crying in front of all those people. I am too embarrassed. I cant. Let me have this baby here!

THE VOICE SAID "NO". After not speaking when it spoke I knew it was God.

I have so much more to tell you about this series of dreams I had night after night. But, I will end saying this, if you are a mother and you've been stuck in this box asking and begging God to just leave you alone about your purpose. You have become wrapped up in making your children's future more than your own. You have been searching for God to say YES you can quit right here. Well, sorry not sorry he say's "NO". You cannot quit. Your story didn't end with them it was just beginning. I dare you to talk to the light in the box. He will remind you of who you are. And then he will do what he did for me which was set me FREE.

I will post how he set me free in this dream on a later post until then SEEK GOD!

I am now satisfied knowing that it's GOD who's released me and forgiven me.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe"-Proverbs 18

Enjoy our "Big Reveal Video"